I’m not ready to die. I’m scared. I’m afraid of my death. Not because I love this world, not because I am so attached to the tangibles and intangibles of this dunya. No, it’s not that. It’s not because I won’t be a part of this temporary world and all its beauty anymore. Yes my heart shatters at even the thought of being apart from my loved ones, those nearest and dearest to me. But that’s not why. That is not the deep reason. I’m afraid of death because when I die, I will have to face Allah. Plain and simple. It’s inevitable. And it’s not that I don’t want to meet Him. Of course I do. Of course I want to see Him, I really do, who doesn’t want to. But I am beyond afraid to see Him. Petrified. And more than anything, hidden behind that fear is embarrassment. I’m embarrassed to face Him. I am ashamed to face Him. Because in all honestly how can I face Him? What have I done to please Him, to make Him proud of me? Will He be happy to see me? What have I done to deserve seeing Him, what have I done to deserve Jannah?
I’m terrified of my chances being over, of my time coming to an end because the harsh truth is, I have not really done anything. With what deeds will I stand with in front of Him? My book, you know the one that I am supposed to be filling with good deeds, that book, it’s nearly empty. Clean blank pages. He gave me so much of everything. He gave me so much and yet I still complained, I was still lazy, I was still thankless. He showered me with endless blessings, every single moment and I casually overlooked them. He gave and He gave and He gave. And this is how I repay Him? Is this how I am going to show up, with this empty book? Is this all I have to show Him?
I need time, whatever little time I have left. I need it, whatever few days, hours or minutes I have left here on Earth. Because it’s urgent. Very urgent. To rectify. To repent. To make things right and do right by everyone. To leave everyone I touch happier and better. To mend the relationships Allah expected me to maintain and nourish. To share and spread the wealth He placed into my wallet like autopay. To share and spread the love He poured into my heart. To share and spread the knowledge He guided me to. To share and spread the message of the beloved Quran He placed in my hands. There is so much to do, yet at any moment my time will be up.
What am I doing? Why do I worry so much about the trivial matters and materials of this world? I need to worry about what’s coming soon. Instead of filling of my bank account, I should be filling my book. Instead of filling my stomach, I should be filling my book. Instead of filling my house, I should be filling my book. Instead of filling my momentary life with temporary glamour, I should be filling my book of deeds for that eternal life that comes next.
How can I go back to Him like this? With nothing to show for my time here on Earth. How cringingly embarrassing.
Ya Allah, please do not call me back to You until the pages in my book are overflowing with deeds and only when You are pleased to see me.